Bedroom Eyes - 1

Thank you for your kind comments on 100 Bohemian Girls! And yes, maybe there will be a sequel about Luuk and Tessy someday... This time I wanted to write a story with the common thread that people should be able to be who they want to be. Enjoy it! Love, Zazie

They are beautiful, that gray-blue-green with those golden specks, wow, real bedroom eyes! Just like Jenny OConnor, with those nice bows at the top. No idea who that Jenny is, but I still feel like this is the first really sincere boy compliment I've gotten in my life, while I've only just met him. But the boy means it, I feel it. Barely half an hour ago he just knocked on the door and asked me to come and play in his band

In fact, I can't remember ever being really happy. When I was six my younger brother died in an accident and my parents responded by becoming even more religious. We live in a small village, a Bible belt village, where most of the girls have to live in long skirts and with demure down eyes. All the other girls are whores according to my parents.

After the death of my brother, my parents became even stricter, after all, the Lord God had taken my brother to Himself, because my parents apparently deserved punishment. So, pray a dozen times every day, go to church a lot and don't associate with the wrong people. And wrong, almost everyone was

Fear

So I was not allowed anything. I have hardly learned to associate with other more free people. If I ever had a girlfriend she was whore according to Daddy and if I liked a boy all I felt was one big ball of fear in my stomach. For at any moment the Lord God could punish me for my immorality. Fear, that's how my childhood was. Fear of everything, of losing even more than my brother, of the punishment of the Lord, of the anger of my parents and especially dad, of other children who got along so easily and rejected me

And that's how I found it in music, as I got older music gave me the chance to understand my feelings. I was allowed to play the violin, because the music school is a Christian Music School. If only it said Christian it would be good! Soon after my brother died in an accident I took violin lessons, I had nowhere to go with my grief and therefore had been nagging until my parents gave in. And pretty quickly it turned out that I have talent. After half a year it no longer sounded like sawing but as the beginning of real violin music, still for little girls, but still. To get a better sense of rhythm, I had to add a keyboard instrument at a certain point, and that became the diatonic button accordion. A kind of accordion, but with buttons, so I learned to play in time better on my own.

And I was also allowed to go to Gymnastics, because the Gym Association in our village is a Christian Gymnastics Association. For me, gym is accepting that you have a body, something that the Lord prefers to store in many clothes outside the gym. Gymnastics is feeling that you are alive, you may be busy with developing your body and with muscle control, I enjoyed working with my body in that way. And I felt how it became stronger and I could make any movement I wanted with it. Especially when I became a teenager and everything about me changed, it was a way to be with other girls and talk about girly things without my parents immediately condemning it as immoral. But always that fear, the fear that I wouldn't be allowed to go anymore and would have to stay forever in our stuffy, sad house.

I had to follow the havo at a special school for Christian Girls, all demurely wrapped up in long skirts and shapeless sweaters and cardigans. But, however limited, it was already a little more freedom, taking the bus to the city and seeing ordinary people. When a choice had to be made for further education, my parents thought it was nonsense. I was a girl and girls go into the household so no further education is needed. I whined and nagged and threatened to run away and even stood ready with my briefcase when they finally gave in. I was allowed to go to the conservatory in Utrecht, to study the violin with a minor in singing, I was very happy with it. I would travel up and down and I kept that up for half a year, but during that time I remained an outsider in Utrecht and made no contact with anyone. Thanks to my part-time job at the bakery, I met a client whose son went on an internship abroad for six months and I was able to get his room for six months, from March 1 to October 1. And again I had to push at home and to finally get rid of me my parents gave in again. Fortunately, because I also wanted to get rid of them and now I live in the heart of Utrecht, still afraid and anxious about all kinds of things, but still, I do lead my own life here and now

I have been living in Utrecht for more than six weeks now, I have no contacts yet, if girls or boys are friendly to me I quickly become a kind of skittish, still a little afraid of a rejection or of the wrath of the Lord God or of both . That's why outside of class I prefer to be in my room, in my own bubble, rehearsing a bit or learning my other subjects well. I have also found a good fitness center here and train there at least three times a week to keep my body in good shape. I am quite proud that I even have a six pack and afterwards I always feel satisfied. Very occasionally I sit at home, even just below my groove, where it feels so good, which is very strictly forbidden by the Lord, but sometimes the urge is so great

Last of the Mohicans

It's Friday, about three o'clock, an hour to the gym. And tomorrow unfortunately another two days to my parents, if we don't go to church together on Saturday and Sunday they will stop my allowance.

And then Gael crosses my path. I'm improvising and fiddling on my violin in a Baroque style when there is a knock on my door. I live in a student flat with twenty rooms on each corridor, I hardly know anyone there and I assume that there is a knock on the wrong door. So I don't respond and continue playing after a short break. But then my door opens softly and when it's ajar a boy carefully looks around the corner. A boy with the most unusual face I've ever seen, with big dark eyes, long tousled almost black hair with a beaded lace or something and I don't know what else. And then that smile, so open, so sweet. With that smile he looks at me and says .ehm sorry, but it sounded so nice, I just had to take a look. And, ehm, we are looking for a violinist.., would you please play in our band?

That's how that boy stormed into my little life shielded by the Lord, as if it's even normal to attack someone with such a big question. So I sit and stare at him in astonishment, my violin still wedged between my chin and shoulder, the bow above it, frozen in the moment. The boy opens the door wider, steps in as freely as he can and closes the door behind him. He looks very special, a kind of red puff pants with boots underneath, a long black cardigan that almost reaches his knees, all kinds of frills on it, very different from usual. Then: yes, erm, sorry girl, but sometimes something or someone comes to you and not reacting is asking for big trouble. Your music belongs to us, when I passed by on the street outside I heard your unearthly beautiful violin music, and so here I am. exists, he is now doing something all for me alone, so I just wait and see what happens.

The boy casually sits on my bed and says .um, well, sorry to barge in like that. So I am Gael. Actually it's Giel, but since I co-founded an Indiefolk band I'm Gael. And ehm, well, so who are you? Only then do I lower my violin and can only respond completely openly to the boy, I have never felt such an intense direct connection with someone before. I'm Johanna I introduce myself shyly. Gael smiles broadly and then looks at me in detail, it just makes me even more embarrassed. And why are you wearing those strange clothes? Do you have something to hide? I just don't know what hit me, in my youth and always and everywhere everything and every hot soup is twisted around and covered with everything that can be covered, and now this boy throws everything into one times open.

But then I find myself back a bit: um, aren't you going a bit fast? Gael grins broadly again, yes, sorry, my sister and mom and dad always say, that I'm rather overwhelming and a a bit too present. Sorry, that's just how I am. I can't help it, I completely melt for this boy, so different from what I'm used to, so open and direct and honest and ehm so sweet.

Then we get to talking. At first I sit stiffly on my stool, but when Gael asks me to sit next to him, I do so, keeping some distance, but in the end we sit relaxed on my bed and tell each other everything. That Gael comes from a rather free musician's world where everything is possible and good and I come from a suffocating oppressive environment, where nothing is allowed and everything is wrong. How is it possible that it clicks like this when you actually come from two different planets

You dress very frumpy, you know that? Gael unexpectedly comes back to my outfit. Yes, tell me something and I decide to be open too: “I know, the Lord has to do that. This is how we protect ourselves from the sin of the body I reply. Huh? Gael responds and you can see him racking his brains for a moment. And then: Um Johanna, um, do you really think that whatever god gives you such a beautiful body first and then tells you to hide it? Isn't it the intention that you show it off and make other people happy with it? Otherwise there won't be any new people, he adds with a grin. I laugh loudly, he makes me happy and honest, unbelievable, so simple but I had never looked at it that way.

Immediately after that, Gael continues diligently: Can I take off your glasses? My monstrously large glasses with cheap and therefore so thick lenses that press heavily on my nose, cover half my face and which my father personally selected. I take off my glasses and then it happens, Gael falls completely silent. He just looks at me, long and intense, our eyes in contact as if they never want to lose sight of each other. Ohw, Johanna, they are so beautiful, that grey-blue-green with those golden specks, wow, real dreamy bedroom eyes! You know, they're like Jenny OConnor's, with just such cute little bows on the top. I'm all glowing with excitement and joy and pride, this boy makes me so happy, my whole body is vibrating and tingling . This is my very first real boy compliment ever!

But yes, now I also want to know who that is, that Jenny: eh, Gael, but who is she actually? Gael doesn't say anything, grabs my laptop from the table unsolicited, searches YouTube for a video and then he shows me the seeing young Jenny OConnor and again it's like lightning strikes. I am her and she is me, it seems, same eyes and above all, the music she makes, so beautiful, so my music, so sexy too. I never had a feeling about that word but now I know what that is, sexy, she radiates it in everything. The way she plays the violin with her dreamy eyes, the way she moves during her performance, the way she looks at people and involves them, while at the same time being in her own little world. And the way she looks, so the opposite of me, that imaginative, her bare belly, those baggy pants that, baggy as they are, make her sexy and beautiful. As she plays The last of the Mohicans

I'm off this earth for a while. Gael sees it and touches me gently. I look at him as if I'm just now seeing him for the first time, everything inside me sparks and crackles, a kind of firework rages through all veins and muscles and I don't know what else.

Gael watches with a smile as I react to the video in bewilderment and then takes advantage of that moment to loosen my hair, freeing them from their perpetual bun. I have pretty hair, red blonde, but my parents never allowed me to show it. They would have preferred that I cut it short, but I also won this battle. I let my hair grow out, but I had to hide it in one of those granny buns. Now that they hang so loose in front of this cute boy, I know exactly why I entered the fight. For boys! For Gael, for him I wanted to be beautiful and apparently I knew that a long time ago.

Johanna revisited

She plays beautifully, doesn't she? I look at Gael and nod, I'm deeply impressed, as if I knew as a child that this was why I wanted to play the violin. Just like you. And you are beautiful too. But um with your eyes and your hair I actually think you're more of a Joney than a Johanna. What do you think of that?

Joney, yes, that sounds good, that's close to Johanna but still new and younger. It is apparently time for a change, I do want a new name, yes. I look at Gael and then nod. I don't recognize myself anymore. I do everything that my parents forbidden, I have a boy in my room, I like him and even more, he is touching me and has put a spell on me. I can't help it, I lean into him, want to feel him, and Gael responds by gently pulling me against him. And together we continue to listen to Jenny and her band, Circa Paleo. So we kind of want to play this too, Joney, but we still miss you. Are you coming? I nod yes, I can't help it, we belong together.

But then Gael seems to realize something: How old are you? Can you decide everything yourself already? I tell Gael that I am seventeen and will turn eighteen in a month. Gael hugs me and says hmm, nice. By the way, I just turned nineteen. And then we become quiet and listen and watch one video after another by Jenny together, they are all equally special. She always plays the most beautiful music. You know Joney, they call her the hot violinist ever since she played music for Game of Thrones. Everyone who sees her reacts just like you, but you know, you are even more special. You are a very beautiful girl, but with your hair down, without those weird big glasses and all those weird soup clothes.

At that point I make a decision. My life is going to change, until now my parents decided everything, but that's over. I want to live, I want to be free, I want to look nice and I want to be friends with this boy. Tomorrow I will go into town, buy other clothes. And to the optician, I want lenses, those glasses are no longer on. When I tell this to Gael he hugs me. Happy I nestle against him, I don't understand myself that this just happens, but it happens, as if I've known this boy for years.

After watching videos of Jenny for a while, Gael asks what music I like. And I'm not saying anything either, search the internet for a video by Christina Pluhar with LArpeggiata, her Baroque group. my hero in this is Veronika Skuplik, unearthly beautiful how she plays Bertali's Chiacona on her violin, I can repeat that endlessly. And it hits Gael too, I see. When the video ends and Veronika laughs delightedly at Christina, he sighs deeply: wow Joney, how beautiful, really, we belong together. Now it's my turn to laugh happily.

Gael and Jones

One thing leads to another. We show each other all our favorite music and it's almost amazing that we love everything about each other. And slowly but surely, via the Baroque and old folk, we end up in the Indie & Folk world of today. Gael shows me what currents are and which ones appeal to him. Says that he wants to play music from others, but also wants to write songs himself. And how he formed a group: I myself have played guitar and banjo since childhood and actually just about anything with strings. In high school I met Bas, he is a real miracle with drums and percussion and together we started making music. Anthony recently joined, he can do everything with keys and now we are called Cosmic Rhytms. But we still missed you.